Find me a duvet

I envy the homeless today. That’s something I would normally never even think about. They don’t have parking woes. They just wrap themselves in a duvet, watch people and get free coffee.

I happen to work for a council that can’t organise where employees can park so we have a choice of a unadopted bog land 1 mile from the front door or 2 hours outside the entrance with the happy chance of a £40 ticket landing on your windscreen by the parking nazi brigade!

Night is fun – dark and dangerous. A troop of council minions walking to their cars armed with lovely steal-able laptops.

Today I am fucked off.

So this morning I parked in the pay park and hiked to the office – costing £1.50. I came very close to hurling my lap top into the medway and being free from the bullshit.

Everyone is moaning. Managers are leaving. I’m on my third in 6 months. I am starting a social work degree in February for the first two years I can work anywhere. After that I need to be accepted as a student by a council. Today and not for the first time I am wondering about my choices.

If I think about the things I enjoy – writing, swimming, animals. I’m sure I can jumble together a career out of those. Quickly before I turning into a moaning zombie.

Bingo Pings, Cheesecake police, Black bags and Unattended Diggers!

Well who knew bingo had gone so techy! Tablet style cards you just sit and watch, they even wake you with a ping when you have one number to go! Yay, just what i need when my brains on other things, namely annoying men, like buses, nothing for ages, then they all show up at once, but thats another story!

At one point, my friends mum pinged, then i pinged, then her mum pinged again…. it sounded much like a tennis rally, with a chorus of “thats mine”, “thats mine” and “thats mine” ringing out! I did actually manage a win on my only ping of the evening, sadly not the fifteen thousand prize for the national game tho!

Now just think if you had a standing joke between you and a pal about diggers and patio slabs (dont ask)…. you exchange pictures on facebook messenger whenever you find diggers especially unattended ones (always good for a selfie especially on friday when at different times of the day we found the same digger unattended) and then one evening another friend says they want to drive via a charity shop and drop off a couple of black bags which to quote them ‘resemble dead bodies’! Yeah….. 😨😨😨

Ever been told off by an aldi employee! That same evening we popped in on the way home. I happened to be talking about cheesecakes and how i dont always unfreeze them totally, basically i cant be bothered to wait that long to eat them, well blimey you would’ve thought i had been on about killing someone (🤔) the way this woman shot off at me that they HAD to be defrosted first…. well not wanting to be eaten alive, we smiled and hurridly left before she had time to call the cheesecake police!

C

MSN inventors

Imagine you are home alone, well actually with your friend of mayhem, and you happen across a ream of A4 paper and thick marker pen. I seem to recall that the teenage guys in the house opposite had been waving and randomly opening and shutting their blinds. So we thought we would show life signs,literally!

Writing on the A4 and blue tacking it to the window until we got a response.

It pretty much went like this;

“Hello over there” wait… more wait… Malibu

“Hi who are you”

“Two girls,you?”

“I meant what’s your names”

“We might tell you later” much giggling and continued Malibu consumption.

No reply.

Frantic scribbling from us.

“What’s your name”

“God”

I don’t think we ever made or got to any kind of point. We weren’t even old enough to ask them out for a drink!

Proper inane drivel. This went on for at least two weeks until we realised that the whole street became informers resulting in a ban from windows A4 and marker pens.

Random memories of our teenage years – The birth of msn (not so – instant messenger)

Yes we invented it!

After our hugely successful greetings/hello tour of the town (even bagging a couple of dates, but not going as we didnt have a clue where the place was we were suppose to meet) we moved onto the early form of instant messenger!

Basically it was massive a4 sheets of paper in N’s place starting conversations, someone opposite joined in and the conversation went on.

Sadly for us, being of a naive age, we forgot the fact that everyone along the street could also see the messages! N’s mum was soon on our case…..

C

Meanwhile in deepest darkest Milton Keynes

Well todays been a busy one, walked the dogs round the local lakes, quite a misty morning but provided me with lots of photo opportunities of eerie looking scenes!

After which it was time for fat club, normal gathering of the troops to rally round each other, our group is so much fun, we have a right giggle! Everyone keeps asking me why im not a consultant, well remember little britain, marjory dawes, thats why! Lol Anyway Taster day next week, cant wait as i always end up taking all the leftovers home, i swear they all think im a human dustbin! Also we have some fantastic cooks at our session! After much thought on what i will cook all week, i shall probably manage to grab a box of mikado sticks as normal!

Then i popped off to milton keynes, felt quite chuffed as managed to negotiate the roundabouts and find myself at central mk shopping centre without the use of a sat nav or any wrong turnings (not that you can go far wrong as you just get to the next roundabout and go back again). Anyone that doesnt know milton keynes traffic system, its basically roundabouts, literally all roundabouts!

Enjoyed a break in john lewis as they kindly sent me a voucher for a free hot drink and cake, thank you very much for that one, saved me about £6.00 roughly! Wow….

Toddled off then to a book signing, yes ive now added craig revel horwood to my list of celebs ive met, he was lovely, chatty and one of my favourites so far! We chatted about audio books, flat white coffee, concrete cows, roundabouts, he did roll his eyes when i asked him about goings on backstage at strictly! And we decided bruno needed a crash mat as hes been falling off his chair a lot! Got some fab pics too! #makingamemory

On the way home i was plagued with a muppet driver insisting he wanted to drive in my boot with what was either his full beam on or a set of those overbright headlights! #carwanker

Home now, snuggled up with my free coffee i grabbed from waitrose en route home (with the grapes i forgot to get the oldie earlier), watching bake off extra slice, followed by the last leg!

C

 

Shopping Rage

Shopping for clothes should be pleasurable right? Or at the very least not stress inducing. Seems to be a very fine, almost minuscule line between a clothes shop and a boot sale! Yesterday I had a few minutes spare while searching for a phone shop to replace my charger so I dropped into Hastings shopping centre.

I would like to know what the thinking is behind cramming the rails so full that you can’t see the sizes. Shop assistants PLEASE put the sizes in ascending or descending order, I don’t care which. What else do you have to do all day. You sell clothes. Spending time searching for my size through twenty garments only to find it’s not there is infuriating.

Or worse the rail above is too low so the clothes above cover the rail you are looking at. What’s the deal? Are you over stocked? Have a staff of morons? Is this a marketing ploy because I have to say I prefer when two of each size are present and I have a feeling they may soon sell out as then I know I won’t meet forty other people wearing the same thing.

If you do find something nice Extrapolating the clothes hanger to from the rail is a challenge in itself. Once you achieve this feat the reward is finding all other clothes are attached in a convoy. Tangled in the hanger, falling on the floor. I recently went into a shop where all the hangers were facing outwards.. everyone knows the hangers should be hook towards wardrobe or rail, I hope. It’s common sense and easier to slide off the rail.

Anyway I didn’t buy anything and left hyperventilating and grumpy.

N.

Meanwhile in the Midlands!

The week of epic failures does not escape me here either!

Car blipper decideth it does not want to play ball and stopped working, even after throwing it on the ground, swearing at it and pleading with the inanimate object, still nothing, nada, bugger all! Finally diagnosed as “needed a new battery” scenario!

Kitchen fluorescent tube light decides to give up on life, so cooking by torchlight was an experience.  The following day i brought and changed (hey go me!) a new tube!

Mobile provider decides to text me that ive gone over on my data this month, im never anywhere near the damn limit, so ive spent hours checking settings on my phone for anything random i may have done! Gave up, provider gave me a safety buffer but still charged me for the extra data! Not that it matters to them that i never normally use anywhere near my limit anyway! Grrrr

Then car windscreen wiper decides to join in, waiting til it was suitably hammering it down and i mean absolutely torrential rain too, it managed to unclip from its holding (where its been sat and quite happy for a considerable time might i add) and throw itself around the windscreen clipping somehow onto the other wiper, making a delightful screaming sound as they swished to and fro, until my brain remembered where the lever was to stop them and this terrifying noise, how it didnt go flying off the car i shall never know! Visions of having to play frogger on the dual carriageway in the rain were flashing before my eyes! Forced with a decision of trying to pull over with no visability or following tail lights and the sat nav i went with the latter, until i was off the main road, believe me i didnt need any laxatives that day!

So im sat here now watching out of the window, the weather, completely the opposite to yesterdays glorious sunshine, its now rain, rain and more rain…. and am wondering what fate has decided to hit me with this week!

As for now im off to watch “the apprentice” and “youre fired” as typically i dropped off through both of these in the week!

C

 

 

The week of farce

The last seven days have been particularly vexing!

Lovely sunny day, lunch break: I know let’s get puppy used to my two seater car and use new seatbelt strap. Put puppy in car, blanket under him, treat ready.  Driving up the road to the fine of whining and being scratched as puppy wanted to sit across his seat and the gear lever. On arrival at Pets at home car park puppy shits in my car. Over the blanket, seatbelt lead, car mat and itself. Joyous times,not! All items except the perpetrator thrown in car park bin, dog baby wiped within an inch of its life during my bouts of torrets.  £12 trip to car wash for valet imminent.

Puppy training on the lay down,paw and high five is a roaring success. New owner alert: dog looks hungry = increase food for dog resulting in my new life in dog shit city.  Answer: No treats today for him and one less meal.  Oh and copious mopping on the agenda today.

My hard fought for work lap top is as fragile as eggs.  I dropped it in it’s case onto the floor from a height of around 2 feet and the screen is irrevocably shattered. Such is my lack of faith in IT and red tape of the civil service that I’m not putting it in for repair until I get clear and written info telling me when I get it back.   The lap top itself still works so I’m hoping bits of it don’t start falling off.

As an additional PITA – pain in the arse I managed to leave lap top at a training course this week and had to ask the trainer to return it to me.  Doofus award.

My car windscreen has a crack horizontally across the windscreen wiper thanks to a stone flipped up by the lorry in front’s tyres. Lovely £75 excess. Whoop.  I will be mostly drinking wine this weekend… N

Meanwhile  in darkest Kettering ..

Daily Randomness

Feeling just a little bit smitten today. Got to see and then meet Adam Hills (The Last Leg, Ch4, 10pm Fridays before i hear you muttering Who?) last night …. Very quick witted and he could’ve rambled on for hours, I was quite happy to listen too, some amazing stories! One of my favourite celebrity meets so far!

However coming home, the motorway was full of cones and diversions, waiting until the very last minute before my turn off to actually let me take it, caused me no end of panic attacks on the 50 minute journey!

C.